she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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