Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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