I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
