i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
