But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
