I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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