I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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