i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
