So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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