The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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