I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
