she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
