Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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