that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
You can't motorboat a personality
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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