Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
