I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
