I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
