What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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