This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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