Joe is yelling at the trees again.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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