Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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