I didn't shave. On purpose
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
