Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
