He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
