so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
They should really pass out barf bags in church
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
