Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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