It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
