if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
The best revenge is premature balding
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
