In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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