is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
