What did we do last night that was yellow?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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