i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
