I smell stomach acid.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
