my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
