If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
