I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
