3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
