Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
