i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
