Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Even my vagina gasped.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
