I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
