Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
