ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
