Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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