I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
