I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Is this like a preordered booty call?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
