Ambien. No doubt about it.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
