I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
So many bounce houses so little time
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
