I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
