I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He's on the porch naked. Help.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
