another moral hangover. fuck.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Randomize
