There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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