I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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