i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
